I wrote the following entry a few months ago. It was before the Wannabe website was up and running, but I wrote it because I needed to vent and I knew it would be posted as a blog entry eventually. Thanks for reading!
Today is not starting out well. I woke up at 3am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I seriously considered going down to my office in the basement to get some writing done, but thought the better of it and just lay there for a long time until I fell asleep. I woke up at 5:45 am, which is later than usual. I got up and ate breakfast and worked for less than 20 minutes when my five year old son woke up. I can just feel the frustration building and building inside of me. I never do get used to that feeling. When the kids were younger, it was even worse because they woke up even earlier and were even more demanding. The second they woke up, it was GAME OVER. I had to stop whatever I was doing and change diapers, try to quiet a colicky baby, feed my son, dress my daughter. How I hated being torn away from my writing. It was awful. It’s still awful. After sleeping until 7am or 7:30 for a long time, my son has been waking up at 6:30am again. I swear to God, I don’t care if it’s 2am. The next time I wake up in the middle of the night, I’m coming down here to write in goddamn peace and quiet. On days like this, I feel like I have to get up at 2am just to get any time to myself. I love my kids. I really do. I hate that no one really understand how desperate my need is to write. No one I know personally, anyway. This morning I was working on drafting the overview of the proposal for the Wannabe book. It’s a fairly emotional piece as I try to describe what it’s really like to be a Wannabe and how we Wannabes need and deserve a book like this. I need to think. I need to feel. My son is adorable in his pajamas as he keeps running in and out of my office. I love him so much, but it hurts not to have this time to myself. I mean I can physically feel the pain of being ripped away from my computer. That will sound stupid to a lot of people. But I have a feeling that many of you understand. I spend most of my time doing things that are not writing. I work a day job five days a week. when I’m not at work, I’m doing laundry, helping with homework, paying the bills, cleaning the house, making dinner, making lunches, doing dishes, and a million other things. That’s why I get up at 5am just have some time to do what I really want to do. What I need to do. But it doesn’t work. 5am isn’t early enough. The real world still finds me there. There is nowhere to run.